Its hard, no one would or have to understand that It's lonely here.
I have no real friends yet, not even one. Its been a long weeks since 8th of September since I have any good real friends here. I dint play football, hang out for a beer or anything. Its lonely.
So, my only friend I had is a beer and movies...and God.. I prayed every night for everything to get better, I don't want to ask much but all I ask is things to get better here for me. It's lonely you know.
Thats all I have now. I don't know what to expect to in the future here. I miss home so much. I cant wait to get back home this december. I miss Christmas back home, do I care about the snow here? Do I care about the christmas spirit here? No..not at all.
I just want..to go home. Where friends, family, my cat, car,church, everything is there to make me happy..
I may say Im happy here, but Im not..I still feel lonely all the time.
Few people I talked to, but they aint a real friends that I use to back home.
So now, I only drank 4 cans a beers to make me feel better.
and Im here writing in this blog, please, don't ever leave home cause your dream is the one that you've always wanted to chase, Home...is where you belong to the most.
Please come fast 19th of December.. thats all I ask for Lord. :(
10/20/13
9/18/13
Long way to go
September 17th,
Its still a long way to go for me, yet I am looking forward to go back home, to finish my studies and to work there. Class haven't even begin yet I'm really struggling to get rid of this awful depression of mine.
Looking through flights, calendar just to motivate myself. Still, it made it worst, I tried to forget about it, try to comfort myself by being happy all the time and time flies by quite fast. Not that fast but at least its moving faster than the last time I had the worst depression ever(3 days ago).
Now, Im trying to find a way to finish this degree in less than 3 years, I wouldn't mind cramp up my mind in a year just to complete this degree faster than anyone. I need to have that mindset next, take summer class with extra subject to loosen up the next semester or finish it up before anyone else.
That would save me some time and money. Plus I wouldn't mind going back home where I belong and work there for the rest of my life. I belong there, and Im starting to realize that I never was ready to leave that place. Even if I had a great offer to work overseas, Im willing to reject it. I want to go home and stay there, taking care of my family get a Job there instead. I belong there and there's no place like home.
I dont care if people though I was crazy or stupid, everyone has their own emotions and mind, I choose home.
Its still a long way to go for me, yet I am looking forward to go back home, to finish my studies and to work there. Class haven't even begin yet I'm really struggling to get rid of this awful depression of mine.
Looking through flights, calendar just to motivate myself. Still, it made it worst, I tried to forget about it, try to comfort myself by being happy all the time and time flies by quite fast. Not that fast but at least its moving faster than the last time I had the worst depression ever(3 days ago).
Now, Im trying to find a way to finish this degree in less than 3 years, I wouldn't mind cramp up my mind in a year just to complete this degree faster than anyone. I need to have that mindset next, take summer class with extra subject to loosen up the next semester or finish it up before anyone else.
That would save me some time and money. Plus I wouldn't mind going back home where I belong and work there for the rest of my life. I belong there, and Im starting to realize that I never was ready to leave that place. Even if I had a great offer to work overseas, Im willing to reject it. I want to go home and stay there, taking care of my family get a Job there instead. I belong there and there's no place like home.
I dont care if people though I was crazy or stupid, everyone has their own emotions and mind, I choose home.
HOME. (Borneo)
9/16/13
And this goes to Me
Reading through my old post here, It made me laugh and feel like.. ''Is that really me?, Did i really said that?'' I sound so stupid and childish. haha, anyway, this will be another me I suppose. I'll try not to talk crap like that again, Altho you could see another depressing post yet again. (NOT SURPRISE)
3 Years Later. Started from the bottom, Now I'm here.
Its been a long time I haven't blog in this blog of mine, looks dead but doesn't matter.
Its been one hell of a ride for me for the past 3 years, and now that I'm currently staying and studying in Sheffield Hallam University. Great place, friendly people, altho the weather can be a lil bit annoying as it constantly changing from raining to sunny windy cold breeze day. I could go sick by just staying outside for one whole day.
Its been a week plus since I arrive, and it has been emotional for me since the day I arrive, yes, very very emotional.
Phase 1
The day I arrive at Sheffield, it was hard for me, extremely hard as I miss my Girlfriend the most, I do miss her very dearly. By the end of the year it will be our 2 year Anniversary, and I hope we can go on for many years to come in the future.
After a few days of tears that I tried to hide, I finally manage to overcome it, as contacting and keeping in touch with her was easy, altho time difference was a bitch. Im wide awake when everyone is asleep. So yeah, you could basically imagine how hard is it for me to handle it. I have no friends here, so my parents decided to stay with me for the week and went off to London for a holiday.
Phase 2
It was the day I though I could handle everything, my emotions especially, it was hard for my parents too actually, I know my mum will miss me the most. All my life, I have never been separated from my family, 23 years I stayed at home and never left. Exception from my brother and sis who comes and goes, but they were adults, so my parents knew that they can handle themselves.
As for me, I was a fragile kid, I get sick easily and prone to injuries, so you could picture that how my parents would be worry about me when Im going to be away from home for 3 years. And I was a mummy's boy too btw, andddd I got sick on the first day I arrive too anyway.
So, the day they left Sheffield, is the day I start my own Journey, I though I could handle it. I was wrong. As I hug them before they left for the airport at the bus station, it was hard for me for even looking at them as they left. I couldn't handle my emotions, I stop myself from crying as I left the bus station and went back to my room and cried there instead.
It was depressing, very very depressed. I realise that I've been at Home for so long that I was not ready to leave yet. Yes, it was a dream to reach this far halfway around the world but at times when you reach to your destination, you realise that you could have been wrong all this while, Home is where I belong the most. I miss Home so much that I eventually cried for 2 days and nights, it was hard for me to cope, I miss my room, I miss my friends, my green car, the noisy surrounding, I miss being nag for being lazy, I miss my little buddy cat, she was always there for me whenever I was lonely or down. Now, well..it felt very very lonely. My room was so quiet, so solemn, so cold and plus I was depressed, and the cold weather isn't helping at all. It made it worst.
Im still am kinda sad now actually, I prayed that everything goes well for my parents back home. I miss them so dearly much.
I still have no friends here, altho I have a flatmate I haven't get to know yet. My girlfriend tried to make me feel better, and it did, she was the only one that was there for me the whole time I was depressed. I would not know what could've happen to me if I was without her to keep me company.
I do keep contact a with a few friends back home, they knew how I felt, as they themselves had been trough the same thing as I am now. Its sad to know that I was the last one to arrive here as they finish they studies earlier than me here. except for one of my buddies but his in France which is far, If not, I could have been happy at least with a familiar face around here. As for now, Im still alone. Not exactly alone, I know that God is here with me, but this feeling of loneliness here, its one thing that is terrible to experience for anyone.
My advice for anyone that is going to study abroad, if your going to study abroad, make sure to not come too early like me, if not, bring some company like family or find a friends that are staying there temporary. Thats because being alone for 9 days, its hard to handle. For a guy like me, its very emotional, as I miss home so much..I cant even handle my own depression, I hope I could be better for the next few days to come, I hope that class begins and hopefully I can find the right friends here. At least, I wont be alone.
I came this far to make my parents proud, and Im not going to give up, I will make you proud mum and dad!
I wish everyone well back Home, and hope to see everyone during Christmas.
Its been one hell of a ride for me for the past 3 years, and now that I'm currently staying and studying in Sheffield Hallam University. Great place, friendly people, altho the weather can be a lil bit annoying as it constantly changing from raining to sunny windy cold breeze day. I could go sick by just staying outside for one whole day.
Its been a week plus since I arrive, and it has been emotional for me since the day I arrive, yes, very very emotional.
Phase 1
The day I arrive at Sheffield, it was hard for me, extremely hard as I miss my Girlfriend the most, I do miss her very dearly. By the end of the year it will be our 2 year Anniversary, and I hope we can go on for many years to come in the future.
After a few days of tears that I tried to hide, I finally manage to overcome it, as contacting and keeping in touch with her was easy, altho time difference was a bitch. Im wide awake when everyone is asleep. So yeah, you could basically imagine how hard is it for me to handle it. I have no friends here, so my parents decided to stay with me for the week and went off to London for a holiday.
Phase 2
It was the day I though I could handle everything, my emotions especially, it was hard for my parents too actually, I know my mum will miss me the most. All my life, I have never been separated from my family, 23 years I stayed at home and never left. Exception from my brother and sis who comes and goes, but they were adults, so my parents knew that they can handle themselves.
As for me, I was a fragile kid, I get sick easily and prone to injuries, so you could picture that how my parents would be worry about me when Im going to be away from home for 3 years. And I was a mummy's boy too btw, andddd I got sick on the first day I arrive too anyway.
So, the day they left Sheffield, is the day I start my own Journey, I though I could handle it. I was wrong. As I hug them before they left for the airport at the bus station, it was hard for me for even looking at them as they left. I couldn't handle my emotions, I stop myself from crying as I left the bus station and went back to my room and cried there instead.
It was depressing, very very depressed. I realise that I've been at Home for so long that I was not ready to leave yet. Yes, it was a dream to reach this far halfway around the world but at times when you reach to your destination, you realise that you could have been wrong all this while, Home is where I belong the most. I miss Home so much that I eventually cried for 2 days and nights, it was hard for me to cope, I miss my room, I miss my friends, my green car, the noisy surrounding, I miss being nag for being lazy, I miss my little buddy cat, she was always there for me whenever I was lonely or down. Now, well..it felt very very lonely. My room was so quiet, so solemn, so cold and plus I was depressed, and the cold weather isn't helping at all. It made it worst.
Im still am kinda sad now actually, I prayed that everything goes well for my parents back home. I miss them so dearly much.
I still have no friends here, altho I have a flatmate I haven't get to know yet. My girlfriend tried to make me feel better, and it did, she was the only one that was there for me the whole time I was depressed. I would not know what could've happen to me if I was without her to keep me company.
I do keep contact a with a few friends back home, they knew how I felt, as they themselves had been trough the same thing as I am now. Its sad to know that I was the last one to arrive here as they finish they studies earlier than me here. except for one of my buddies but his in France which is far, If not, I could have been happy at least with a familiar face around here. As for now, Im still alone. Not exactly alone, I know that God is here with me, but this feeling of loneliness here, its one thing that is terrible to experience for anyone.
My advice for anyone that is going to study abroad, if your going to study abroad, make sure to not come too early like me, if not, bring some company like family or find a friends that are staying there temporary. Thats because being alone for 9 days, its hard to handle. For a guy like me, its very emotional, as I miss home so much..I cant even handle my own depression, I hope I could be better for the next few days to come, I hope that class begins and hopefully I can find the right friends here. At least, I wont be alone.
I came this far to make my parents proud, and Im not going to give up, I will make you proud mum and dad!
I wish everyone well back Home, and hope to see everyone during Christmas.
11/30/10
Redesign
This blog look looks utterly lame.
I will fucking change it..
hopefully..
so scram!
till further notice*
11/28/10
Making History
5 goals in one match.. trashing Blackburn 7-1.
Thank you for making my day berbatov!
Things couldn't just get better now.
11/24/10
Faded
Dreams can be shattered if you can't keep the promises..
For example..
me
I couldn't understand whats been going with me for the past months,
It's like I can't do the things that I love, like designing the works that I had, I had lost my touch of drawings..
I'm beginning to fail myself, I had the worst performance of my life in semester 5.
and still I couldn't figure out why?!
People surrounding me couldn't understand what I've been through..
All they think is their advice is right and just move the fuck on!
well, fuck you! All those words are worthless if you cant put your finger on the problems I've had for the past months.
You cant look through it, you cant analyze it for me..and if you cant do those shit, shut the fuck up!
YOUR MAKING IT WORST!!
the only way is I handle it my own..
I'm better on my own, I never needed help in my life, I struggle alone, I face my problems alone, I face my fear alone, everything I do is ALONE!
I don't like to involve others as is because its not their problems and if anything happens to them, it will be ON ME!!!
Now, thank God everything is over for awhile, Hoping for a great Christmas alongside old buddy's of mine, and I couldn't be more happier than before..
and Baba Vanga, stop predicting the world will be in shattered misery next year.. I still have my hopes and dreams to reach pier beach..don't let us humans down, we still wanna live a beautiful life..
10/20/10
Who cares?
I don't give a fuck anymore... What I get in return was always a smack in the face.. I'm tired of everything, Now I'll do everything I can just to get the fuck out of this fucking place!
You heard me.. FUCK IT! SUCK IT UP YOU ARSE!
You heard me.. FUCK IT! SUCK IT UP YOU ARSE!
10/16/10
10/7/10
All I want
All I wanted the most is now
to start a new life
start from scratch
from new friends to new home for myself.
I need a new hope..
I'm desperate to find one..
everyday it hurts me for what I'm about to go through..
some of my friends were heartless, disrespect and fucking rude!
all I did was doing my work and ignoring the possibilities of other worlds thats happening surrounding me..
but still, they come back to haunt me like i'm a piece of meat..
I just cant stand it..
I can break down anytime..
I mean I love all my friends no matter what they did.
I still love all of you, my family,my pets my hometown..
but everything seems to be some sort of shattered memories thats ready to be erase and to be thrown at my face..
and you think it's funny, if I was the same old bad kid like the last time.
I bet you'll be thinking twice about who are you messing with..
I just want to have a normal, simple, entertaining, lovable life, and most importantly.. privacy!
I hate those FUCKING gossip who think they are the single most funniest people in the whole wide world,
if there was a gun right now, I would have shoot you in fucking balls and arse!
God, thats all im asking.. I dont want to be in my hometown anymore, I just wanna be in my dream world now, the place that i've been chasing for years and years..
hopefully in 9 months..I'll be there..
and I hope i'll be given a chance..to change myself to a better person that now..
=[
9/15/10
Burn
I hate this freaking place already.
Home, yea..Fuck that! Everything seems to be a fucked up thing.
Every week surely there will be a mess that has to do with us.
Who the FUCK do you think you are?
Were not your fucking dogs you bitch!
I cant run away from those mess as long I'm still here, Ignoring will be worst.
so how stupid can you guys be anyway?
If you think your right all the time, then stop messing around with people like us.
We din't want any of this either, yet you say its our fault!
Stupid, imbecile, low life scum!
I..HATE..THIS..FREAKING..PLACE!
If I ever had a chance to leave now to a better place,
I would take it!
9/2/10
Changes
I believe in what I'm capable of
The reason why I cant make it right
Thats because I dint help myself
I dint put faith in myself.
So now I see it..
I want to get those things going and start myself a new way of improving myself
This is just the beginning.
10 more months.
and I'm out of this freaking hell town of mine!
I countdown the days and months cause it keeps my dream alive!
and I WILL NOT LET THAT DREAMS FADE AWAY!
not even a little!
Where I'm going is where my dreams are waiting for me.
and I'm going to achieve that no matter what it takes
Whatever my friends says about my dreams,
I see you as a Negative impression..
If You are my friend, then you yourself should have a dream of your own and chase it!
Why stop me if I'm not stopping you..
8/31/10
Whats wrong with me?
I open my lungs, to breath in forgiveness and love
Haunting me now reminders of how I used to be
And on the road my troubles are sure to follow
Looking out the window, the hell if I know where will I go
I cant wait to leave.
I'm begging to leave..
I hated it here
I hate.
8/15/10
The Loser
When that feelings come
Its just felt like I'm an idiot..I take things for granted.
I regret for all the things and chances I have not taken..
I cant stand my own attitude either..
I'm glad im not doing this on anyone, cause I know it would hurt them..badly
Why cant that attitute of mine change?
Well it sucks to be me..
It does.
Indeed I am the Loser.
but No matter how loser am I.. God is always there..I know he is.
He's the only one who knows what I'm going through..
I wish to change in this coming months.
If only we could really wish..
8/9/10
Answered Prayer
It sounds like a Dream come true..
finally, I can finally breath easily for the 1st time in my entire life
Taking my own world to Perth would be a great idea
Now I cant wait to Graduate next year, but I know I have to struggle and work hard to obtain a better results than before.
but still, a relive that I was given a green light to go there.
but I'm still not giving up on my chase to California.
couldn't think much now..so hopefully my Prayers are answer again next year.
lets see what fate lies ahead of me
Thank You GOD!
8/7/10
Let me go
Going insane..
Insane again and again!
1 more year, and I'm finally free from everything!
The lies and every single Fucking thing!
FUCK YOU ALL!
people shit!
8/5/10
The Sins of My Young
I should stop myself from Chasing you
I though I had a Chance..
Once again...I'm a dumb guy! When will I ever learn?!
My own mistakes lead to this unsolved problem of mine
Me..
I've had enough, Chasing my dreams are better than Chasing You..
8/1/10
Chances not Taken!
I know what to do after all.
Research always works for me..
And I hope my plan and thinking will be working.
Hoping for it happen, means I have to take this patiently for a month or two
Will it succeed?
Well,I hope..Whatever plans I have, It's always been working..
Get ready to get Shock my friends(if it does happen)
If it doesn't..then Move Along is the only thing I can do.
7/31/10
I will survive?
Why does it has to turn it out this way?!
Why cant I stop being depressed for at least a month!
Things just go from bad to worst.
Killing myself would make hell and misery to others instead.
I felt like jumping from a cliff! and hoping that everything were back and start over again in the beginning..
God..help me in this one..
I just cant take it!
I felt the burden on my shoulder and my head felt like it's going to freaking explode into thin air!
whatever that means..
miss the beach somehow..dint get to see the sunset and sunrise! =[
Say
I don't want you
Cause i wasn't chasing you!
Ahh.... Why does it have to turn out this way around??!
Why does my Love life have to be difficult?
I tried my best, but in the end..it turns out to be different..
I meant different results..
and Friends are always there to not believe in you when your telling the truth.
call that a FRIEND huh..
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